So, I’ve been struck down with some sort of man flu or other. Having had a nice pleasant couple of weeks of work, in both the bracing environs of Edinburgh and the sanctity of my own house, it would appear that three days of travelling to and from work and mingling with colleagues has seen me catch some sort of lurgy which has left me feeling like shit for most of the day. You know that kind of shit where even your hair is sensitive to anything? That. My eyes are so sore at the moment that were I to open them in surprise at anything the pain alone could render me inert. I’m trying this through squinty, watery eyes. And that, my little friends, is dedication.
So, struck down in my prime as I am, I did what any sane person in my position would do. I’ve spent my time watching Ancient Aliens on the History channel.
I think I’ve mentioned Ancient Aliens on this blog before. It’s a show that I find infinitely fascinating because a series of people with bizarre hair – be it beard or barnet – will say that an ancient thing is clearly – CLEARLY – proof of man’s interaction with alien civilisations.
Today, for example, I was watching an episode which told me, in no uncertain terms, that a series of ancient drawings showed futuristic surgical techiniques, the like of which people way back whenever it was customary to scratch things onto rocks should not have been privy to.
Talking about a picture of a person holding a human heart – quite a detailed scratched picture, if the truth be told – they said that it was clearly – CLEARLY – documented evidence of a heart transplant. In fact, they went to one of their experts, the one with wild, wild hair that looks like an out-of-control Jedward brother and he talked about it for a bit. He likes to ask questions to which his answer is always yes. So he asked if this picture showed that aliens had taught ancient civilisations advanced surgical techniques and the answer was, oddly, yes.
I mean, I just looked at the picture and interpreted it as a depiction of some sort of human sacrifice in which the heart was removed.
But hey, what do I know?
I mean, they didn’t mention anything about tissue-typing and things of that nature. But I’m sure the aliens had it covered.
The also talked about the son of the Greek God Apollo, Asclepius, who was quite big into the healing, and had a staff with a snake wrapped round it, which aside from becoming a well-known symbol for health care is just a sign of, if anything, over-indulgent parenting. Where a normal parent would have said, “Look, Ascelpius, you can have a stick or you can have a snake…” and there would have been a tantrum, but then eventually he’d have settled on the stick because sticks are good for poking things whereas snakes are not, Apollo clearly just wanted an easy out (and judging by the number of kids attributed to him on Wikipedia it’s no wonder) and let him have both the stick and the snake.
Now, aside from talking about him without ever mentioning the part where he was the son of a mythological Greek God, they actually had a long discussion about whether aliens had taught him how to raise the dead, because that’s what he was renowned for doing, by all accounts. You know what it’s like, you invite Asclepius over to your party and the next thing you know he’s in the garden trying to raise the body of your recently dead and buried family pet.
In the end, enough was enough and Zeus zapped the crap out of him for bringing back all the dead. No-one mentioned whether Zeus was taught how to throw lightening bolts around like a beardy badass by an alien or not.
And then, to end the show, the biggest revelation of them all.
Acupuncture was invented by aliens.
Yeah, all that sticking needles in to align your chi and wotnot. Aliens did that. They came up with that. They taught us how to do it. The scientific reasoning behind this revelation seems to be based solely in the fact that many cultures used to practice it – seeming – and now it’s just mainly the Chinese in the back room of nail bars. Clearly what that means is that aliens taught everyone how to do it but the Chinese were the only ones properly paying attention or something. But then, you would pay attention if you were being taught acupuncture by someone with the body of a large magpie and the head of a man. That’s the kind of teacher you’d remember.
Take a moment to think about that, aliens few unimaginable distances across the Universe to teach people how to put needles into specific areas of the human body to stop them feeling a bit peaky.
I wonder where they stand on homeopathy…