When you’re a guest on Desert Island Discs, as well as the ten records you’ve chosen that you think will stop you from going batshit crazy on a deserted island and your luxury item, you’re also given two books – the Complete Works Of Shakespeare and The Bible. Now, if I was every on the show not only would I find it hard to choose ten songs which wouldn’t, after a while, properly get on my tits, but I would object to being given The Bible because it’s really not my thing. I don’t have an issue with people who like to read the Bible or anything like that, it’s just that my own beliefs don’t head in that direction. Give me a science text book, or something, and I’d be happy.
The reason I mention this, is because I now appear to be the owner of an album by U2.
And it feels a little bit like I’ve been marooned on my desert island with my songs, and my works of Shakespeare, but someone has swapped out The Bible for Bono and his cohorts warbling on at me.
The thing that’s upset me the most about it is that I only thought it came as part of the iPhone 6 launch. I clearly wasn’t paying attention to the stuff on the internet. I must have missed that particular tweet from Stephen Fry (who seems to be for technology what Carol Vorderman is for Sudoku). I thought – and had clearly misunderstood when I read about it – that the new phones would come out and you would find that they were already pre-loaded with this exclusive U2 album. In which case I’d hang fire until, for some legal contractual dispute reason, the album could no longer be put on the phones. Then I’d upgrade.
I didn’t realise we were all getting the bloody thing regardless. And that it would appear in our Music library like an stalker at a bedroom window – completely unwanted and ready for action.
This is like when we all got that free copy of The Sun that time for no fricking reason whatsover. It’s just like that. 2014 is becoming the year of free stuff given to people who don’t bloody want it. How come I never come home from work, or wake up in a morning, and find that someone has been into the house and installed a free Playstation 4, or Xbox One, underneath the TV? Why is it only the shit stuff that’s free?
I’d have liked to have been asked, that’s what I’m saying. I suppose it’s probably hidden somewhere in the 437 pages of the iTunes End User Agreement that everyone just agrees to and doesn’t bother to read. I bet there’s a clause in there somewhere which says that at any point Apple and/or iTunes can channel music which is exclusive and free to your phone or iPod without any kind of consent from you. Even if you’d rather have red-hot pokers stuffed up your arse, or your eyes licked by honey badgers.
I’d have just settled for a voucher which I could have redeemed at my own discretion. Or not, as the case may be. Like the ones you can pick up in Starbucks now that offer you a free book, song, game, app or some other thing that you’re probably never going to download, but collect every week anyway, put in a pocket, take home and dump on the bookshelf behind the couch. For example.
If I’d got a voucher for a free U2 album, I’d have not redeemed it. If a U2 album had been given away with a morning paper, I’d have not bought that paper. I like to exercise my right to not own a U2 album. And now that’s been taken away from me. It’s probably a violation of my human rights, or something.
Bono’s pretty hot on stuff like that, isn’t he?
I should probably give him a call…