Not a lot happens in January. The world has to take a run-up to get going on a New Year, that’s why the Chinese New Year starts in February, as it then avoids that lull you have while you’re trying to get over the fact that you can’t be arsed to do much after all the chilling out and stuffing your face at Christmas.
The most notable thing in January is that you and people you know will keep writing the date as 2010 until at least mid-way through the month. Each and every time you do this it will be accompanied by some sort of outburst or attempt to try to explain away the fact that you can’t get your head around the passage of time. Failing that, you’ll just say “I’ve just written 2010 again, what am I like?” and people will smile and nod at you in a polite way.
A film will come out that is described as “The best film you’ll see this year.”
Chinese New Year kicks off. It’s the year of the rabbit this year. All the news channels will devote some time to reporting on this, showing the obligatory footage of a chinese dragon dance. If you’re lucky one might, inappropriately play the Chas and Dave song “Rabbit” as well. You can’t be too sure since ITV did that vaguely xenophobic piece on Qatar indicating that it wasn’t “guitar” or “gutter” but “Qatar”.
NASA’s Messenger spacecraft will arrive in orbit around Mercury. It will stop working shortly afterwards.
The Met Office will announce that it’s going to be a scorching hot summer. Unlike the Big Freeze which has gripped the nation at the back-end of 2010, this will be welcomed with open arms. People will make preparations for the sun, buying loungers, deck chairs and barbeques like they’re going out of fashion.
Hilarious April Fools jokes will be played by the media which, tragically, some people will believe. These people have also been specially selected by a Nigerian diplomat to look after a large amount of money for a short period of time while a bit of a fracas takes place, and will be able to keep a share of this money once the furore has died down.
Wills and Kate get married. This is good news for fans of the Royal Family. It’s also great news for people who collect commemorative mugs and/or tea towels. We also get an extra day off for the big day allowing us all the pleasure of sitting down in front of the TV and watching the event unfold before us. We’ll be treated to a show before the wedding, then the wedding and then, undoubtedly, an in-depth analysis of the wedding. Princess Diana will only be referred to approximately 147 times during the course of the television coverage e.g. “there hasn’t been scenes like this, of crowds lining the streets, since the funeral of Diana, the Princess of Wales…”, “this route, of course, is the same route that Diana, the Princess of Wales, took…”
The football season draws to a close and there’s no vuvuzelas to look forward to this summer. At the end of the season the minutes played by each team will be added up and, statistically, Manchester United will have played an additional four games-worth of football.
Wimbledon. That great sporting event that unites a nation and means that there’s absolutely nothing to watch on the BBC until the competition’s over because even if it’s raining there’s still tennis to be had. Just old tennis. With an R in a tennis ball in the top corner of the screen indicating that what you’re watching isn’t, in fact, live but was taped years ago and features Eli Nastasi doing some of his trademark comedy tennis.
This is also the month that Scottish tennis player Andy Murray becomes British tennis player Andy Murray.
The location for the Winter Olympics 2018 will be announced. Sadly, the fact that the UK cannot cope with any kind of cold weather at all has thwarted any chance of us hosting these.
Andy Murray is Scottish again.
The sun will shine for couple of days. Everyone will skive off work to lie in a park and get a tan. Several people will complain that it’s too hot. Sales of burgers and sausages will go through the roof.
People will be off work with mild cases of food poisoning.
Christmas starts. People complain it’s too early.
Ten year anniversary of the 9/11 disaster. We’ll still call it 9/11 even though it’s 11/9. We skirted this issue by having a terrorist attack on 7/7 allowing the dates to be swapped as needed for the UK or US news and it’s still the same.
Conker season – the national press will, again, run a story about health and safety gone mad, claiming that children have to play conkers from behind bulletproof glass using a robot arm which someone else has to control.
Winter will kick in, taking over all the news channels. It would appear that wintry weather, at a time of year we refer to as “winter” is somewhat of an anomaly and, while it’s all quaint and lovely to receive a christmas card with a picture of a robin perched on a shovel, it’s not as entertaining to look out into your garden and find a crow frozen to your bird table, requiring you to chisel it off with a butter knife before the kids wake up.
Towards the end of the month the Sun will publish a supplement detailing all the Christmas Television. It will be largely filled with spaces marked “TBA” allowing Sun readers to write in the programmes when they’re announced or, more realistically, colour the boxes in with crayons.
Easter starts. No-one complains it’s too early as it’s more chocolate to consume in the festive period.
Country is gripped by X-Factor fever. X Factor winner gets the Christmas Number One despite being shite.
The Big Freeze returns to mess up the country and ruin Christmas. Soundbites, as with this year, describe it as “soul destroying” and “like being in a prisoner of war camp”.