I have a bit of a m0rning ritual.
As a rule I wake up, mutter about having woken up and then check four things:
– The Kindle Deal Of The Day
– Sky News
The main reason I do this is to check that I haven’t missed anything going on in the world while I’m asleep and to bag a cheap book or, quite often, lie there and wonder who would actually pay money to read a particular book on offer. Especially if it’s one of those books with only one word in the title, like Broken, Fragile, Damaged, Bruised, Battered, Left, Abandoned, Miserable, Sad or Hopeless. Proper laugh-a-minute books.
But anyway, primarily I’m looking to see if anyone has died.
I know that sounds morbid. But I don’t want to be one of those people who overhears someone talking about someone who has died but I don’t know who they’re talking about and have to Google things to find out. This probably stems from the fact that when I was at school, someone who I had known – and had a massive crush on – died and my parents saw it on the news and didn’t tell me and I overheard two people talking about it in the morning at school but didn’t know who they were talking about, and then it was announced in assembly and the bottom dropped out of my world a little bit.
But anyway, I digress.
Tomorrow morning, of course, it’s April 1st. April Fool’s Day. On a Bank Holiday Monday. So all those work prankers who come up with something hilarious every year are at home, not working, with no-one to appreciate their japes. But that doesn’t stop the news media who will, without fail, slip something in that’s just so ridiculous. Like when Panorama did that thing about spaghetti trees.
So imagine my surprise this morning when I woke up and – for a brief while – thought I had actually slept through Easter.
Because Sky News told me that Freddie Mercury once took Princess Diana to a gay bar dressed as a man.
It was a proper “I’m sorry, what?” story as I was reading it. But it’s in Cleo Rocos’ book and mentions three people – Freddie Mercury, Princess Di and Kenny Everett – who are dead and therefore can’t dispute her claims so that means a) it must be true and b) apparently it’s news now.
The book is being serialised in The Times and this is today’s bit. So something that happened over twenty years ago is being pedaled as breaking news at something past seven in the morning. Where’s the story about North Korea having a pissing contest with South Korea? Oh that’s way down the list under this story and something else about how it’s been snowy for a while.
I can only imagine that the Daily Express is outraged by this revelation.