Nooooooooo

Back at work tomorrow
After a week and a half of rest
I have to be quite honest
It doesn’t feel the best.

I’ve not thought of my passwords
For more then seven days
Failure to get them right
Leads to productivity delays.

I’ve reset my alarm for six o’clock
It was set for half-past three.
That’s not the time I’ve been getting up,
Just the time I’ve started tea.

A week and a half of gaming
And cooking lovely grub
Of washing, cleaning, pottering
And lazing in the tub.

And as with every holiday
That has gone before
You get productive right at the end
And wish that you had more.

Another week would just be grand
Sod it, make it two.
But then it’s nearly Christmas,
Let’s say January. That would do.

But sadly it doesn’t work like that
And I cannot stay at home.
So tomorrow morning, in the dark
Once more to work I roam.

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Anarchy In The UK

“Let’s bring Black Friday over here,
That makes a lot of sense.”
Because everyone loves a shopping day
When you go home feeling tense.

The British love to queue and wait,
At stuff like that we’re ace.
Except, it seems, on Black Friday
When I’ll punch you in the face.

TVs that are really big
With money off the price
I’ve never heard of the manufacturer
Still I’m sure it’s very nice.

Hey, what do you think you’re playing at?
I saw that bargain first!
I’ll further show my discontent
With an obscene foul-mouthed burst.

Let’s make every shop like Primark,
With stock upon the floor.
Who gives a shit about anything else,
It’s the bargains we’ve come for.

Because they say when they’re gone they’re gone,
And that’s the end of that…
But that’s how every sale works
You angry little prat.

All you’ve done on Friday
Is play into the shop’s hands
With your 55″ Nakahuri TVs
And their associated stands.

The thing you’ve got to ask yourself
Before you start to shop
Is do you really need it anyway,
Or is ut just because of the price drop.

Because if it’s just the price thing,
Then you’re just a mark
Sucked in by the swindling shops out there,
And this Black Friday lark.

And then you’ve got to ask yourselves
Did you act the best you could?
And will you do the same next year?
Because I bet you would.

It’s hard to watch the footage
Or read stories of the day
Without feeling a sense of shame
At how we acted in such a way.

It was one step up from looting,
But i’d say only just.
You probably wouldn’t have paid for stuff,
If they hadn’t said you must.

Black Friday doesn’t belong to us
We don’t need it over here.
But regardless of the carnage caused,
There’ll be the same shit here next year.

Shakespeare In Love

“Was Shakespeare gay?” the experts ask,
For reasons best known just to them.
Some of them think he liked women,
And some of them think he liked men.

His plays are performed across the globe,
His use of language astounds,
But all that’s been covered and done to death,
So the experts are breaking new ground.

But the crux of the matter is this
And I think that my point is quite fair,
Does it really matter if he was straight?
Or if he was gay do we care?

You may as well ask if he liked beans on toast,
Or if his favourite colour was red.
It doesn’t really matter – it was ages ago,
I’s sorry to tell you, he’s dead.

So what if the Bard was a gay man?
It doesn’t change the plays that he’s written.
I’m not going to like The Tempest any less,
If it turns out with men he was smitten.

The tabloids will run the headlines,
“Romeo and Julian,” they will shout.
I’m willing to bet that will be one you see,
If the experts decide Shakespeare’s come out.

Infinite monkeys could write the Bard’s works,
Given infinite time and a pen.
And infinite monkeys love women,
And infinite monkeys love men.

So experts just think what you’re doing,
You’re saying stuff just to be known.
But while you’ve been reading, dressed in tweed,
Society as a whole, well, we’ve grown.

So stop with your sensational debates
About William S’s bed fellows,
And talk about something equally pointless,
Like whether he liked to wear yellows.

Net Worth The Internet It’s Printed On

For some reason, I love a bit of needless celebrity news. Not the big things – I don’t care about the love cheats or any of that kind of stuff. It’s the ridiculously small stuff I enjoy, sort of like The Green Room in the Metro only with as little as possible to deal with Neil Sean – incidentally, a man who is not only thoroughly unlikeable but also fully confirms the “there’s something about people who have a first name for a surname” rule. Anyway, Dave Gorman did all the Neil Sean stuff, so I will leave it at that.

Basically, I like stuff that’s pointless. And if it’s pointless enough that I have to take a picture of it then so much the better.

For example, amid the numerous pictures of Peppa, fruit with faces drawn on and things Carole has Sent via Whats App is a picture of a snippet from a magazine article which, I’ll be honest, I can quote pretty much word-for-word in which it is revealed that Kelly Brook, in order to keep an eye on the calories, makes her own sandwiches.

I hope you were sitting down before you read that. Or not wearing socks. Because they will have been blown off right there. Peow! They’re gone.

Kelly Brook makes her own sandwiches. I mean, so do Greggs, but I’m not sure that’s to keep the calories down.

The little “you might like this” pop up at the bottom of the Sky News app is like a treasure trove of this crap. 13 co-stars who didn’t get on. You won’t believe who this celebrity is married to/is gay/is gay and married/bought a car off.

And then today, twenty rich celebrities.

The article, which features on a website called Wealth Wrap-Up, takes you through the net worth of twenty celebrities. A lot of them are worth $90 million, as though the writer of the piece just plucked a figure from thin air. I only say that because the rest of the stuff is… well, it’s bollocks isn’t it.

Angelina Jolie, for example, probably spends quite a bit on her grocery bill but this doesn’t put her and Brad off having children.

Serena Williams trains hard to play the sport that she loves.

Gwyneth Paltrow is an actress whose films you might like to see.

Rihanna is worth $90 million mow although that figure might increase when she makes more money.

Someone’s written all this shit. It’s my second favourite list ever after the “Worst Endings To TV Shows” one in which the author of the piece, for almost every show, said she’d not watched it herself but heard the ending was bad. How about don’t write a list of things that you don’t know about in the first place?

Or, in the case of the money one, when you’ve “found out” the net worth of some people but have nothing to flesh it out with…

And remember, Sandra Bullock might be small but she has a big place in our hearts.

Tall Man In Aisle One

One of the things I like the best
About the Tesco Express
Is the way the staff all look at you
Like you’re bringing undue stress.

I didn’t even want to go,
It wasn’t in my plan.
But when the Sainsbury’s order came
No milk came off the van.

Not because they forgot it
Or anything like that.
I didn’t bloody order it.
What a schoolboy error. Drat!

So I took myself along the road
For a bottle of cow juice.
And anything else I fancied there.
I was playing fast and loose.

And while I got the milk,
Under the staff’s watchful gaze.
A man of six feet eight came in,
To astound and to amaze.

“Oh my god!” a girl exclaimed,
“You’re taller than the freezer.”
But she said it in that common way,
Like consonants don’t please her.

“Have you never seen anyone tall?”
A colleague asked the lass.
To which she answered, “Not that tall!”
But in a voice that’s rather crass.

But while they all just stood agog
At the tall man they were clocking,
Boxes lay round and about.
He was stopping them restocking.

The shop opens at six a.m.
After ten I paid my call
If I’d gone shopping any earlier
I could have bought fuck all.