My name is Jake, and I’m an Ancient Aliens-aholic.
I binged on Ancient Aliens today.
It’s been a while. But I’ve relapsed. In the absence of any Fact or Faked (faked, more often than not) or Finding Bigfoot (or Not Finding Bigfoot, as it should be called) Ancient Aliens is my playground of choice.
But stumbling across a plethora of episodes back-to-back was something that I just couldn’t pass up. So I watched them. And by watched them I mean “fell asleep on the couch and absorbed all of their idiocy subconsciously”. But the bits when I was awake – amazing.
One episode focused on Star Children, which are basically any child who is far too clever for their age. Like the kid in the UK that joined Mensa at two, or some other kid who gave a science lecture on acids and alkalis when he was six. Or some other kid who had a PhD by the time he’d started shaving. Those sorts of children. Oh, and the Dalai Lama. Anyway, they are not the product of pushy parents or anything like that. Their not children who have been robbed of their childhood and forced into a life of academia while they’re still essentially shitting themselves. They’re aliens.
Obvious really, when you think about it.
No-one’s quite sure what it is they are here to do – but they obviously have some purpose on the planet. To usher in an age of peace or somesuch is one theory. And, I think you’ll agree, one of the best ways to achieve peace is to have it rammed down your throat by a precocious 12-year old who has more qualifications than you, or a child who might not be aware of what Lego is but can pick out the next item in a sequence of shapes.
But one of the episodes I slept on and off through was a very, very serious-toned one which – for the bits I was awake for – seemed to say that, essentially, the film – and subsequent TV series – Stargate may as well have been a documentary for everything that happened in ancient Egypt.
“This wall painting clearly shows a head emerging from a wormhole…” they would say.
And I would look. And I would appreciate that I was still a bit asleep but if anything that should make it easier for me to fathom out. But I couldn’t see it. It’s like all those Magic Eye things that occupied most of the 90s but now don’t exist anymore. I could never see any of them. Never. Sometimes I just said that I could so that I wasn’t beaten up in the playground of something for being that kid. “Oh yeah, dolphins. Wow, they look so real.” And it’s apparently the same with primitive drawings of wormholes. I really struggle with that.
To me it looked like, at best, a bust of someone on an occasional table. I mean, maybe that’s what a wormhole looks like. That’s part of the problem of understanding whether or not it is a head emerging from a wormhole – a wormhole is a theoretical thing that has been imagined for things like Stargate and everyone assumes to be some kind of swirly tube affair, but it might look like a table. In which case the Egyptians got it spot on when they did their interior designing.
Then again, it might just be that the Egyptians knew their heiroglyphs would be around for ages and threw in some particularly shitty pictures of mess with people. You know, maybe it was bring your kid to work day, and they just stuck their kid in a corner with a bit of blank wall, gave them some paints and told them to go to town on it.
But that wasn’t mentioned. Because it’s not aliens.
But as that guy with the hair that believes everything says “The universe is infinite, which means the possibilities are too…”
So I’m calling it as an occasional table.