Why Q?

As you will know, if you read this blog occasionally, we fight an almost constant battle with the Sky Planner. This is mainly because there are a lot of things we like to watch – most of them together, but the odd few things are solo shows that suit only one of our needs.

At the moment, thanks to the barren nature of the summer schedules, the planner is reasonably healthy. That’s about to take a turn for the worse with the return of Modern Family, Supergirl, Legends of Tomorrow, Arrow, Flash, Elementary… you get the idea. It’s going to go to hell in a handbasket is what I’m saying.

But as much as the state of the planner befuddles me, I’m not sure I could ever enter into a relationship with Sky Q.

I mean, yes, it’s all ultra HD and sexy looking. And you can watch your recordings on your phone or tablet. But it’s like the Pandora’s Box of recording media. Except in this case you’re putting things into the box not letting everything out of it.

You can record 1000 hours of stuff.

One thousand hours. If you fill that up you’ve got yourself over forty full days of televisual treats to watch. Why even dangle that carrot in front of anyone? Part of the reason our planner gets to the state it gets is because every now and again we enjoy a binge session of a show – which means we have to record several episodes before we can watch it. We’re literally just watching Season 5 of Arrow, for example, that we started recording about ten months ago.

I couldn’t be trusted with 1000 hours of available space.

I can’t be.

And then there’s the other feature which, I feel, is more redundant than one of those stickers you can reseal a “share bag” of chocolate with.

You can record six channels while watching a seventh.

Have you ever, even at your most TV focused, found yourself in a situation where you had seven shows all on at the same time? And then, more to the point, with the abundance of +1 channels and the fact you can download stuff On Demand when you miss it, even if you did have seven shows on all at the same time do you even need to have them all at the same time?

It just seems like a pointless addition. But then, if you’ve got 1000 hours of recording space to fill, what better way to do it than by recording six shows at once. Just because you can.

I will admit that the “press a button and your remote beeps” feature is quite appealing though.

Because someone I know, a friend who shares the same name as me but is a different person entirely, spent quite a long time looking for their Sky remote on Friday lunchtime because they had, at some point, put it in the kitchen for some reason.

About forty-five minutes, to be precise.

I’m glad it wasn’t me…



What’s Orange And Looks Like A Carrot?

Imagine, for a moment, filling in your insurance claim form with the words “a donkey tried to eat it.”

Then imagine that the claim form you’re filling in is for your ridiculously expensive supercar which is bright orange and, clearly, the donkey has mistaken for a carrot.

I mean, all that makes complete sense doesn’t it?

It happened, apparently, a year ago in Germany where the owner of the only orange car in existence (because who has an orange car?) parked it next to a field with a donkey in it. And the donkey was peckish, and mistook the car for a carrot and tried to eat the back of it.

I mean, it all makes complete sense.

It’s the sort of thing you’d find in a murder story. The orange McLaren was used to kill someone and to cover up the damage that hitting the person with the car did, the obvious thing was to park it near a hungry-looking donkey. Then, you see, they could pretend that when they returned to the car they noticed some damage had been done, and could blame the donkey who clearly thought his luck was in carrot-wise, get the donkey’s owners to pay out for the damage and get away with it scot free.

Allegedly. Obviously.

I’m not saying that is what happened. But if you saw that in an episode of something, or read it in a book you’d immediately call it out as being complete bollocks. And yet a donkey tried to eat a car. And the car owner took the donkey owner to court in order to get the money to cover the damage caused.

The world has gone mad.

Also, when you’ve got a £200,000 super car, could you be arsed to go through all the faff of taking someone to court over damage which amounts to two-and-a-half percent of the price of your car? Really? I’m not sure I could. But then it’s unlikely I’ll ever be in a position where I’d be able to own a £200.000 super car.

Although, if I did, I’d get it in a proper colour.



National Poetry Day 2017

It’s National Poetry Day again
So once again it’s time
To write a silly blog on here
And do it all in rhyme.

Last year the blog I wrote
Was about Kim Jong Un and cheese
And how the weight made his ankles snap
And tumble to his knees.

But this year it’s a different theme
That occupies this post
Filled with rhymes about the news
Well, not full but more than most.

Hugh Hefner left this mortal coil
Playboy, his legacy
A magazine of naked girls
But the articles drew me.

Meanwhile Trump rambles on
About the sportsmen on kneeling down
He’s angry about the whole damn thing
The orange, angry clown.

Now Steven Seagal has waded in
To give us his thoughts on this
He’s risked a lot for the American Flag
But surely he’s taking the piss?

Has he confused his films with life
In harm’s way he has been
But mainly straight to DVD
Occasionally, big screen.

He’s not happy anyway
His flag being disrespected
Except that he’s now Russian, guys
Apparently he’s defected.


Nik-Nak-Paddy-Whack The Dog’s Had Toblerone

There’s a story in the news today which is quite distressing.

There are dogs, up and down the country, who are falling ill because they are helping themselves to their owner’s post. The post in question is a promotional mailing from Sainsbury’s – who, I have to say, are very good with their mailings – which contains a chocolate bar.

And, as you know, dogs and chocolate do not mix. Apart from chocolate Labradors, but that is something entirely different. Chocolate contains something which we can digest but, alas, dogs cannot. Which leaves them in dire need of veterinary care. And, when you’re at work all day and your dog is eating its way through its body weight in mail, can be upsetting to come home to.

The story was illustrated with various accounts of dogs being struck down by the well-meaning gifts. My favourite – if you can have such a thing in what is clearly a horror show of stories – is the man who said “The reward card owner doesn’t even live at this address”. As though not only is the fact that Sainsbury’s is working to reduce the dog population a massive problem, but that they’re just randomly selecting victims. If this was a human murder story, this is where the police would begin saying that it was clearly a case of mistaken identity.

We are a nation of dog lovers, apparently. I’m quite fond of the cat, to be honest. Although I wouldn’t mind a dog. As long as, and this is my one caveat, it looks absolutely ridiculous when it runs. Because a stupid looking running dog is what the slow-mo function on phone cameras is for. Everyone knows that. Everyone.

So this story is designed to tug at the heart strings and make you feel angry with the supermarket and feel sympathy for the dogs and their owners.

They got fifty percent of that spot on.

I am angry with Sainsbury’s.

We have a loyalty card.

Where’s our bloody chocolate??

More Misunderstandings

There’s obviously a lot of this misunderstanding stuff going around at the moment.

Not only are we misunderstanding the date of the end of the world – where September means October – but we’re also misunderstanding anything that Donald Trump tweets, or says, with regards to the absolute destruction of North Korea don’t actual mean anything. It’s all just diplomacy in action. And we, the common people, are fools to think of it in any other way.

You know, like a declaration of war and all that jazz.

But then, when he then says about sacking people who disrespect the US flag he means that. Not that they are in any way disrespecting anything because the principles behind the flag are built on the freedom of speech. Saying that is like saying that Rosa Parks was protesting about public transport.

But hey ho.

The best bit of the take a knee thing is that Trump is adamant that the people who choose not to stand are in the wrong. But the white supremacists who marched with their Nazi flags a couple of months ago, he needed to take time to understand the story before he could say anything about that. And when he did he said there was blame on both sides.

But then, this all draws attention away from the North Korea thing. He’s like a dog that barks at you, snarls and growls but as soon as you go near it runs away and hides under a table. All bark and no bite.

Not that he did anything that could be construed as an act of war.

Not until that Saturday in October, at least.