Yo Ho No!

nopeI know that the shops start selling things for Christmas more-or-less as soon as the schools go back after the summer holidays – prior to that they’re selling “back to school” stuff – but when the hell did we start having Christmas movies in November?

There are a couple of movies creeping out at the moment that are distinctly Christmas themed – Bad Mom’s Christmas and Daddy’s Home 2. Both centre around Christmas and the obvious nightmare of having to share that holiday experience with a hilariously troublesome parental unit.

But why are they coming out in November. And not even late November. We’re not even in double digits for the month and they’re due out in cinemas in the next few days. People are busy growing moustaches to fend of testicular cancer or flexing their literary fingers with a NaNoWriMo challenge. And then there’s bloody Christmas at the cinema.

I mean, it might have always been that way. It might just be that now I’ve reached the age of forty I’m massively offended by having Christmas thrown at me at an unnecessarily early time of the year. Maybe it’s something to do with the march of time and how it seems to be Christmas again when we’ve not long since had one. Or maybe I’m just a grumpy old man now. Who knows.

I mean, these two films are by no means the only Christmas fare this year. There’s a film about how Charles Dickins came to write A Christmas Carol. I can only imagine who scintillating it will be to watch a man write with pen and ink in gloomy conditions for however long it took to write A Christmas Carol. I suspect that won’t be the case, and it’ll be some bollocks about how Dickens was visited by some people during the night and he thought “ooo if I make them into ghosts…” and the rest is history.

I’m not sure if that will be better or worse than the animated thing about the donkey who took Mary to the stable.

I think, if you listen really hard during that movie, you can hear the sound of the bottom of a barrel being thoroughly scraped.

Next year there will be a sequel from the point of view of one of the sheep that was with the shepherds, or the camel carrying one of the wise men. Either which way, I’m willing to bet that when he’s born, Jesus is the whitest it is possible to be without being albino. You know, keeping it true to life and all that.

Bah, humbug.